I was born into a Christian family who were quite active in the church and ministry. I've always grown up in the church, and I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was four years old, and was baptized when I was nine. My dad became a pastor, so I and all my siblings became Preacher's Kids or "PK's". But God didn't feel truly real to me, or right up in your face real, until a Young Saints conference in 2018. When I finally let go, and let my heart be free, not caring as much what people thought of what I did, that was when I knew, truly knew that God was real. He had loved me, cared so much about the world, and how much profound wisdom He had. How powerful He was, The power was so deep, so strong, and I knew that I could trust Him with anything because nothing could get past Him unless He let it. I stopped struggling with people dying, wars, and how hostile the world felt sometimes, the horrible things that God let happen. I believed that He saw the bigger picture. He knew that if He waited, better things could happen, that He used everything for good in some way.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I had nightmares. Because of them, I was terrified of the dark. I slept underneath the covers just to feel safe enough to sleep. I would not do anything. I just laid in the dark terrified that I might be abducted or eaten by evil beings if I so much as moved , or even breathed. I could not get up at night, and if I did I would rush back into bed, stifling a scream just before burrowing back underneath the covers.
Then one night I started to pray. I just asked God to keep me safe. Later I asked Him to not let me have any dreams at all unless they were good, and from Him. After that, I didn't have any dreams. It was about a year and a half later before I had another dream, and it came from Him. I know that it was from God because it told me information I did not know, and facts I had not heard before. It was the first real dream I had in over a year. Since then I have had more dreams, one of which became my first writing project!
I had a challenging and painful experience during the Polk County Fair in 2019, and I had to learn how to forgive, and really trust that God could use my hurt for something good, because it did not feel good. It also helped me uncover some other things about myself I had not known before such as I have powerful feelings, I like people treated with respect and kindness, and I do not like to be wrong.
The next year at Young Saints, I cried for a long time during one of the sessions, just simply overwhelmed the the enormity of who God is. So glad to be in God's presence. It was almost like no one else was there. Only me and God. I wished that His presence was an ocean, so I could dive down, deeper and deeper, and never come up for air because I would never need it again. In that moment, I found that He was trustworthy. I could put my anything and everything into His hands and know, truly know, that if I listened and really leaned into Him, I would be okay no matter what happened. Now matter what anyone said or did, I was safe in His hands.
Sometimes I struggle and wonder how in the world God could use such pain for a good thing. But I picture it as Him pulling out of cold ashes, a fresh rose. Using a monstrosity for something beautiful. Or scars that tell a story of healing and courage. God knows, and God cares. Even if I do not understand it all, He does, and that is all that matters. I know that God is real. I know that He is good. I know that He loves me, and each and every person in the world. He has patience and uses everything, good or bad, for something wonderful, if only we would choose to see it.
My prayer is that God will use me in many ways to bring people into His kingdom, and my journey as one of His children will never end!
